I really want this to be fake. Like, a really lot.
By far and away, the number one complaint I hear from my male clients is that they never get approached by women. My typical response is to yawn and roll my eyes. You get paid a dollar to our 75 cents. You don’t get shut out of the entertainment industry if you’re not willing to take your clothes off for the general public. You don’t have to deal with stuff like tampons, debilitating cramps, or pushing something the size of a watermelon out of something the size of a lemon. You get to trade on your sense of humor instead of your dress size. Being approached for dates is the one game in which women have the advantage over men. THE ONE GAME. IN THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE. So shut yer mouth, suck it up cupcake, and write that freaking message.
That’s called #realtalk. Some guys don’t always like it. Which is why I am now happy to have this site to point to as a course of action for them.
On this particular dating site, it’s all in her court. If you’re a guy, you’re not even allowed to make the first move: The girls are the only ones who can make initial contact with potential matches.
However, I’m just going to say this and then shut up about it: Just make sure that you’re not reinforcing laziness, okay? Guys, don’t go on there for the ego boost, because then not only are you lazy, you’re a skeezebag. Girls, if you’re someone who loves to make the first move and take charge in everything, awesome – you, lady, are definitely going to find a keeper by using this site, and you’re going to feel emboldened and empowered by the fact that it’s not only socially acceptable but expected that you do all the approaching. However, for the rest of you lovelies who tend to just want to get the game started and then sit back and let him go back to being in charge…either you’re going to have to employ a lot of psychological trickery to make that happen or you’re going to find yourself continually disappointed (feel free to argue with me about this in the comments). This is not the site for the girls who are looking for an old-fashioned, he-sweeps-me-off-my-feet romance.
For some of you, though, that’s a very good thing. So check HerWay.com out, and make sure to come back here and fill me in on your adventures.
To celebrate the official beginning of summer (which, according to me and the rest of the cool world, is Memorial Weekend), today’s #SoftRockTues pick is my all-time favorite soft rock/easy listening summer ballad. To me, this song is total starry night skies, sitting around and staring at a campfire, drinking beer and making s’mores, praying that your buddy’s friend doesn’t suggest getting his guitar out of his jeep for a sing-a-long, jumping into the lake nekkid, oh my god it’s finally summer dreaminess.
Also, check out the freaking video. The animation is from a music video collection made and released in the 80s by those fools who brought you He-Man and She-Ra. Aka, Hanna-Barbera. Maybe you’ve heard of them.
Hey lookit everybody! We’re in Thrillist today!
Also, check out that picture, right? They could not have framed this gig more radically.
And also, can I just have a personal moment to say how amazing it feels to be featured in something that I already love and look to as a consistent curator of cool?
Pretty sweet Friday morning, you guys.
So a while back we talked about the Do’s & Don’ts for the ladies when it comes to their online dating profiles.
Now it’s your turn, guys. So grab some coffee, pull up an actual work document and then minimize it so you can quickly pull it up when your boss comes walking by, and settle in…
First, Luke was once again generous enough to offer up some great tips to his fellow men concerning online profiles. His comments are in bold italics, and I offer my two cents in regular type. Sometimes, his insights actually serve as the rule.
Like this -
1. “Don’t say that you’re just “looking for friends.” It’ll just annoy women when you try to get in their pants on the first date.”
First of all, most women won’t really believe that you’re just looking for friends, anyway. Ratio of guy friends who have pushed for something more vs. me pushing for something more with my guy friends – 6:1. See? Girls aren’t stupid. We know that guys usually only put that on their profile to look “nice”, but that if the girl is at least half-way decent the code of friendship conduct will go out the window. If we pretend to believe you, just know that we don’t – we’re just hoping that you’ll at least pretend long enough so we don’t have to suffer through the awkward silence after you drop the “So…friends make out, right?” bomb within the ten minutes of meeting.
2. “Do include pictures with women in them, preferably a large group of them. It’ll make it appear like you don’t spend all your nights sitting in squalor with your roomates drinking Natty Ice.” Actually, don’t do that. If you want to play it safe, don’t ever post a picture of you with another girl. We won’t assume it’s just a friend (or if we do, we’ll assume that it’s just a friend you’ve been in love with for 12 years or a friend who will make our lives miserable because she’s been in love with you for 12 years), and if it looks like it’s an ex-girlfriend (and no, blacking out her face with Photoshop tools doesn’t help, guys) it will immediately send up red flags. Just. Don’t. Do it.
On the other tip, if all you have on your profile are group shots of you and your guy friends, please specify who you are if there’s another guy in the picture. If you don’t, we will suspect that you’re the ugly one and that you don’t point yourself out because you’re hoping to trick us into thinking you’re the hot one.
3. “Look below and find the type of woman you’re hoping to attract. List these as your favorite authors and musicians:
- Hippie chick: Barbara Kingsolver, Bill Bryson; O.A.R, Phish (don’t put down Dave Matthews, sellout);
- Chick with glasses: Noam Choamsky, Neil Postman, Dave Eggers, any foreign authors; Bjork, Interpol, Van Morrison, Modest Mouse.
As a girl who wears glasses in private, this is still true.
- Former cheerleader: David Sedaris, Dan Brown, any book authored by a famous person; Death Cab for Cutie or anyone else who’s been on Gossip Girl, Modest Mouse, Maroon 5.
I can fully attest to the truthfulness of this one.
- Don’t care, you just wanna get some: Just be honest – you don’t read anything playa!; “Let’s get it on” by Marvin Gaye, “Closer” by Nine Inch Nails, whatever was playing at last week’s frat party.”
4. Maybe read her profile before you message her, slacker.
Dudes. C’mon. I’ve been in this game a long time, and even I do the thing now where I look at someone’s pictures before I give 5 minutes of my life towards reading their profile. Yet I also know that if I find them attractive, I should maybe just read what they wrote on their profile. You know, to figure out what they’re like and stuff. Oh, and also because I know that I’ll look like a total douche if I ask them something in a message that they already talked about in their profile. You know, since people write stuff in their profile for a reason?
It’s called courtesy, and I’m down with it.
And so is almost every other girl in America.
5. Remember who you send messages to.
While it is flattering to receive messages – even from those I am not interested in – that feeling vanishes when you send me another message that makes it obvious that you have forgotten who I am. Unlike you, I remember the people I exchange messages with, and thus you do not need to introduce yourself again. When you send me three messages similar to each other and I have not updated or changed my profile in any way, I start to wonder if you have amnesia or short-term memory loss.
This might just be a personal thing of mine…I don’t like to chat online. As I have mentioned before, I’m not a big fan of the phone, and esp. not before I have at least exchanged a few messages with someone. Considering that online chatting can be even more stilted and awkward, it annoys me when guys try to chat online with me before they even send me an actual message.
Probably the biggest reason why this annoys me is because I tend to think that these guys are just bored…trolling through the profiles and just chatting up anyone else who’s online. It’s a little insulting. This is even more suspect when you are from Brooklyn and request a chat from someone in Montana (we will be getting to this distance thing next, also). If I wanted to just chat someone up, I’d go on one of the many D&D or Ren Friends message boards where at least I know I’ll be somewhat entertained and can use my extensive knowledge of junior high typing slang (I am fond of alternately typing these two phrases – “OMG, U R 2 kewl” / “OMG, dat sux” – over and over, no matter what the person I am chatting with asks or says).
If you still really love chatting so much that you dream of a girl that you can just IM with all night long, then at least shore up your castle walls with a real, personalized, actual message first (that means writing more than, “Hey! You’re cute. Care to chat?”).
7. Messaging people who don’t live in your state.
I know girls who have received messages from guys who live in New York but are regularly in the Twin Cities for business, and that’s fine – that makes sense. What doesn’t make sense is when you receive a message from someone who lives in Florida and has no future plans whatsoever for visiting your fine state. If you are one of these people, and you are just messaging them to tell them you liked their profile and that’s it, then that’s actually really nice and you get coolness points. However, if you expect them to keep corresponding with you, then you’re kinda Grade A Lame. I can’t help thinking that if you have to search five states over to find dates…then buddy, I’m sorry, but it’s not going to happen for you. This is similar to the really ugly girl in high school who claimed she had a boyfriend but that he lived across the country. Everyone suspected that even if he wasn’t an imaginary boyfriend, the fact that he never had to see her on a regular basis probably was a selling point for him to agree to the relationship. Or she paid him after getting idea from the movie Can’t Buy Me Love.
Basically, don’t waste other people’s time. If you have absolutely no intention of ever getting together for a date, then state as much in your first message – that way, people won’t feel like they were cheated out of time and brainpower just to entertain you because you were bored.
8. Winks are for dinks.
I understand the people who are a little shy and who wink at others to feel out whether or not that person is interested. But here’s what I don’t understand – you already took the first step in approaching that person, so why not just write them a damn message?
Let me break it down for you – winks are like that guy who keeps hinting at the fact that he wants to go out with us, but won’t actually make any moves to make that happen. That guy who just stands there and tells us hey, you like this band and I like them, too, and they’re coming to town soon…and then he just stands there and waits for us to be the ones who will man up and make a move to turn that hint into a solid date. Fuck you. Grow some balls and write a message. If you wink at me, I’m just going to wink back at you as an act to force you to man up. Because if you’re gonna play the game, you might as well play like a champion.
9. Keep it in your pants.
Guys, please have some patience. I, personally, dig the guys who aren’t online to find pen pals. If we’ve exchanged two messages that didn’t make us cringe, let’s talk about meeting. However, there is such a thing as pacing. It comes off as skeezy when a guy messages for the first time and asks a girl to call him instead of message back, or asks that she message him back using his regular email address (also, when you do the whole “I’m leaving the service but I’d like to keep chatting” thing, it can come off as “I didn’t like you enough to message you before, but now I’m just messaging all my last resorts to see what might turn out.” Just a side-tip). If I already know I’m interested in someone, then I’m fine with e-mailing them at their regular address; but otherwise it’s usually just a good idea to exchange at least two messages through the site before moving onto other forms of communication, for safety’s sake.
And I always appreciate it when a guy asks to move to the next level of communication but adds a disclaimer that it’s okay if I’m not comfortable with that yet. Those guys are what we girls refer to as gentlemen.
Stalkers are a reality, as are annoying people. Girls are instantly reminded of these individuals when you come on too heavy too fast, and we also know that giving out our regular e-mail address is a great way to give a potiential psycho a lead in finding out personal information about us.
Okay, that’s it for today. There is plenty more that could be added to the list (pllleeeennnnttttyyyy more), but I can’t give away all my secrets, otherwise what would you pay me for? But I will say this: There are always exceptions to every rule (and no one knows that more than me). However…those exceptions are usually accomplished with an unprecedented amount of style and grace. Unless you’re willing to go big so you don’t have to play by the rules, just suck it up and put the work into doing it right. Because if you’re the guy who thinks you don’t have to…
Then you’re exactly the guy who does.
So I missed #SoftRockTues yesterday because I took the day off for some book-writin’ and bike-ridin’. Which means that I was listening to the tunes all day…I just wasn’t talking about it on the internet.
This song is the f*ckin’ jam for a variety of reasons.
A., It’s been one of my all-time favorite songs for about 6 years now.
B. It’s Rick James, bitch.
C. Andy Samberg proclaimed it as “the fuckin’ JAM” on the @nerdist podcast. Even though some of us already knew that, it’s nice sometimes just to hear someone else say it.
D. On one of the first episodes of Degrassi: The Next Generation, the kids are all at a school dance and even the uber nerd Liberty Van Zandt shows that she’s cool enough to know this song by telling Mr. Simpson (aka, Snake, if you’re cool with the original series) that “This girl? Wants to party all the time.”
So do I, Liberty. So. Do. I.
When Amber asked me to write a blog post for Cyber Dating Sidekick, my initial reaction was skeptical. Not because I didn’t want to be featured on her blog, but because I didn’t feel I had much to offer. She responded by basically saying, stop being ridiculous and write something. This is one of the reasons I love her.
So I started thinking and realized why I wasn’t interested in writing this post. I despise the term “online dating.” Granted I use it on occasion since it’s difficult not to. But the truth is, it’s a term we should retire.
“But Conner,” some of you are thinking, “it’s dating, and it takes place online?” Nonsense, is my response.
Back in the glory days of the Internet, when people used flashing text without irony and hotmail.com email addresses were considered hot, the phrase online dating made sense. We considered the Internet a little scary, it was unknown, and we generally didn’t know the people at the other end of the series of tubes. Online dating was “weird” because using the Internet to meet new people wasn’t typical. Let’s be honest, keeping in touch with family and friends wasn’t exactly figured out either.
But that’s not true today. Most of us spend a lot of time online; not playing mindless flash games, not reading the news, but talking to our friends and making new ones. OkCupid, Match.com, and Plenty of Fish are nothing more than social networks. The only difference between them and Facebook or Twitter is that by joining these sites it’s implied you want to meet people to date, not to chat about the latest Daily Show episode.
The truth is that meeting people is essential to getting dates, and the Internet has made meeting new people a lot easier. We no longer rely on work, church, or our friends to meet new people. We can use the Internet to meet people from across the street or across the ocean. Once that starts happening, you can find some dates if you’re looking.
Dating websites are like singles mixers. Most people are there for the same reason, which is the crux of my issue with online dating. I never enjoy singles parties. I don’t want to walk into a place with the sole intention of walking out with four or five phone numbers I need to call in a few days. I want to meet women who do the things I do, not because they hoped to meet their future husband in a crowded room.
This probably explains why I’m awful at getting dates on OkCupid. It bores me. I want to have conversations and get to know someone without any pressure. Instead, I find that I get dates on Twitter, even though it’s not a dating website. This works for me because I’m not there to get dates. I’m there to talk to friends, discuss the news, and share my favorite restaurants. Just like in the real world, I don’t need a place designed just to get dates to get dates. They happen anywhere you meet new people, as long as you bother asking.
So let’s forget the term “online dating.” Instead let’s call it dating. It happens online, but for many of us life happens online. Why brand dating that happens online any differently?
If you’re interested in talking to Conner, going on a date with Conner, or telling Conner he’s just plain wrong, find him on Twitter or at connermccall.com. He’s also on OkCupid…but like everyone else, you’ll have to stumble on him accidently.