What do you think, ladies and gents? In our increasingly-digital world, do you feel an actual call is necessary when a lad wishes to ask a lass out on a date-timey event?

(Psst: Special thanks to Jess Kubis and her fantastic FB and flowchart posting skillz)

Or, more to the point, tired of having to bite your tongue when they whine, “What’s wrong with me? What am I doing wrong?”

This holiday season, be a proactive pal (and save your friendship by letting me speak the hard truth for you) by gifting them with dating powers!

One of the more ingenius ways that people have used Cyber Dating Sidekick services is as a gift to their hapless friends. Whether it’s giving them a kick in the pants by getting them started or giving their “Oh yeah…no, your profile’s really…good…” online image a makeover, Cyber Dating Sidekick will be your personal (trash-talking, whip-cracking, I-ain’t-your-friend-so-I-don’t-gotta-lie-to-you) Santa.

Or, as one gifting genius did recently, you can also give your friend Cyber Dating Sidekick credits, and then they can pick the services they really want/need. Maybe they’re not going out on dates because they’re actually just scared of Stranger Danger, instead of that same, “There’s no great guys online” story they keep trying to sell you. Maybe, sometimes you don’t know everything about everyone. Maybe you make it hard for people to tell you things. Maybe you should just start letting people make decisions for themselves. Maybe the best way to do that is letting your friend finally have the freedom to decide what’s best for them, instead of you smothering them with your advice and good intentions all the time!

Anyway. Either way, you’re probably going to look really awesome and creative for coming up with such an unexpected gift idea, smartie. So send an email the Cyber Dating Sidekick way, tell me what’s up with your friend, and we’ll get you set up on the path to holiday glory.

And don’t forget – if now is the time to talk about love, if now is the time to talk about sex, you can press pause at any time. With your finger.

(Special thanks to Sopheava de Lumiere for sharing this with me

And when I say this, I mean to say: I’ve been on some bad dates that you would never want to have been on. You wouldn’t hear about them and say, “Well, gee, I wouldn’t mind going on that date! It’d be kinda funny and entertaining and then I could blog about it, too!” No, dear reader, you couldn’t. One of my gifts in life is being able to take horrific personal events, find some type of ridiculous humor within, and then blog about them for your amusement. It’s like a barter system with God. He gets to continually squash any hopes that I may harbor for a functional, meaningful, and mature relationship, and I get to blog about it and have people tell me that I’m funny.

So this particular date on Wednesday evening came as somewhat of a surprise. I thought I’d seen it all: 10 years older than stated age and picture; a startling resemblance to Doc Brown in Back To The Future, an excruciating amount of crotch grabbing and belching; creepy pudgy forearms; insulting stories and anecdotes about how they are better than me in every way; extolling the virtues of dating younger women when you’re a senior citizen (but not, however, younger women who would have the nerve to order a six dollar glass of wine on a date…HE IS NOT MADE OF MONEY YOU KNOW!); already planning our holiday trips and how we’ll meet each others’ friends and family and dogs when we’ve only just started the first date; and a three hour tirade on Lance Armstrong, the Federal Reserve, and how America should just totally suck it.

And now this!

So we met on OkCupid.com. He had noticed that one of my photo captions mentions Hayward, WI, and messaged me to query about whether I had lived there or just visited on vacation. I told him that I had lived there in my early twenties, he tells me he grew up there, so great, we have something in common. From his pictures he looked like a cross between Carrot Top and Shaun White, which was actually kind of intriguing in a way. You ever meet someone that you, at first, think is really super ugly, and you’re like, “NO WAY”, but you keep an open mind because you dig the whole personality thing and you’re hoping that, in time, his face will grow on you? Yeah, that’s how I felt about my last boyfriend when I first met him.

And look where that got me.

So we’re exchanging messages and he tells me that his name is Timbre, and do I know what that name means? First off, don’t do this, guys. Don’t do the thing where you think you’re asking a fun and challenging question but only because it requires that she learn more about you. I understand that sometimes our childhoods were not that great, and that our moms didn’t always come up to our rooms at the end of the school day to sit on our bed and to listen to us talk about our 3rd grade hopes, dreams, and lunch table interactions, but if you feel like there’s not enough people in the world who are interested in who you are, start a blog and force it upon them. Don’t kill it before it’s even gotten out of the gate by making it clear that you only want to find someone to date so you can have someone with which to talk about yourself more.

So I write back and state the meaning of his name correctly and he offers to buy me a drink to reward me for my intelligence. I like it when people buy me drinks, so I say yes. We agree to meet up on Wednesday.

Wednesday rolls around, and while I’m at work I suddenly realize something: Do you know how Timbre is pronounced? According to the Webster’s Dictionary, Timbre is pronounced as “TAM-ber”. Hello. My name is Amber. So that means that TAMBER AND AMBER ARE GOING ON A DATE.

Here is how the date goes, in order of events:

1. He is 20 minutes late.

2. He calls me. I pick up, I can’t understand a word he says, and then I turn and look to see him walking towards me. Sidenote: I really, really hate it when people consider my cell phone to be a radar honing device. Open up your fucking eyes, walk around the place, and LOOK. It’s one of those seemingly small things that actually start to signify a lot.

3. He is super, super, super unattractive. Did you ever see the movie Mask? Not the one with Jim Carry, but the one with Eric Stoltz and Cher? He looked like that, only less physically deformed so I couldn’t even feel bad for him.

4. First topic of conversation: I Just Got Fired From My Job, But Surprise! It Wasn’t My Fault.

5. 2nd topic of conversation: I Hate My New Job and Have To Smoke A Lot of Pot Just To Get Through It.

6. 3rd topic of conversation: My Mom Was A Bitter Control Freak And My Dad Was An Abusive Alcoholic.

7. 4th topic of conversation: Two Years Ago I Dated A Girl Who Said She Was Divorced But She Was Really Only Separated. This includes the choice phrases: “She went away on a month-long trip to China with her estranged husband and his family, and when she came home she broke up with me because she said it wasn’t going to work out. No, it’s because you went to China and had sex with your husband for a month and now suddenly I’m not good enough for you.” and “Don’t lie to me. I don’t like liars.”

8. 5th topic of conversation: MCAD Sucks Because They Want You To Make The Art That They Want You To Make, Not The Kind of Art You Want To Make, But They’ll Give You D-’s Instead of F’s So They Can Pass You Onto The Next Course And Still Make Some Money Off Of You Because They Are Soulless, Barren, Blood-Sucking Dicks.

9. 6th topic of conversation: I Was Going To Go To UW-Superior To Finish Up College, But Then My Dad Hit Me Because He’s A Drunk And So I Moved Out And That Was The End of That. *Cue a couple minutes of awkward, horrified silence *

10. 7th topic of conversation: I’m Kind Of In The Middle, Because I’m Kind Of A Punk But I’m Also A Conservative, So My Punk Friends Get Really Mad At Me For Driving A Luxury Car And Liking Nice Things. But Whatever, Because Our Government Totally Sucks Anyway And Personally I’m My Own Person And I Don’t Identify With Just Any One Political Party. Sidenote: Gentlemen, has this worked for you in the past? Is this known as a tried-and-true routine in your dating report? Because I cannot tell you how many guys will state the whole “I don’t identify with just one party” line and then look over at me with a smug half-grin, as if expecting me to slam down my drink, grab him by the shirt collar and say, “You’re such a renegade. Let’s do this right here, right now.” Which I won’t do, because you saying that you don’t identify with just one party is pretty much akin to you saying that you think just like everyone else.

11. 8th topic of conversation: Oh, You Know Some Of The Guys I Went To School With? I Hated Them In High School. I Got Made Fun of A Lot In High School And People Picked On Me All The Time. Join the club, buddy. That’s why it’s called “High School.”

12. And this is where I bid him adieu, after paying for my own drink (no, he didn’t offer, even though he used it initially to get us to meet) and sending a panic-text to Ang to meet me at the nearest bar as soon as possible.

Total time of this date? One hour.

Except for the fact that it’s hard, these days, to find a Refined Valley Dude. But. Can’t win them all, right, ladies?

(special thanks to Tony for sharing this!)

If I could impart one piece of advice, one nugget of wisdom gained through observation, empirical research, and personal experience, it would be this:

Learn how to close.

In a shorter time span than six months, I mean.

As the Cyber Dating Sidekick, I get a lot of questions about what the biggest mistake is that people make when it comes to dating, etc. And it’s always about closing. It takes 15 emails to get him to ask me to coffee…I’ve been flirting with this guy for 3 months and he still hasn’t asked me out…we’ve hung out five times and he still hasn’t kissed me…I hear this over and over. And you wanna know what it all adds up to? Missed opportunities.

See, the thing is, guys, we’re not always that patient. And you’re kind of being dicks for thinking that the girl you like is going to wait around forever for you to make your move. Here’s the way the universe works: If you like a girl, chances are there’s at least two other guys hanging around, dying for a chance to get her attention, too. Two other guys who might be faster and smoother than you. Two other guys who aren’t going to let that night pass without sealing the deal. And then you lose. Because the other thing you don’t know is this: 90% of the time, the first one to the plate wins.

In my own personal experience, even if I barely like the guy, if he has the balls to ask me out on a damn date, I’m going to say yes. Because it does take balls, and it does take courage, and I like to reward that (the second date is another story. I am a little bit more selective on that one). On the other hand, if I really like someone and they take forever to do anything about it…they’re off the list. Because that shit is freaking exhausting. If you don’t want to ask me out, totally fine. Onto the next. But if I can tell that you kind of do…are maaaybeee thinking about it…are dropping hints left and right…and then you don’t? Done. Because that’s when my Like for you turns into confusion, and then insecurity, and then resentment, and I don’t like being that girl. And you won’t like me being her, either.

Because that’s the whole thing, guys. And that’s what makes this kind of thing so sad to see…when you take forever to close the deal, you’re actually kind of hurting her feelings. We start to think that maybe…you don’t really like us. That you probably actually find us hideous or super annoying or just totally not cool enough for you and all those hints that you’ve been dropping were totally not hints at all, but you trying to nicely say, “Hey. Loser. Hit the bricks.” And then someone hands us a copy of “He’s Just Not That Into You” and we read it and then are like, “This is totally THAT guy!”, even if it’s not (that book can be verrrry persuasive). So we start to stay away, and then you start to think that we don’t like you, and then it becomes this whole circular mess where everyone is miserable and no one is getting laid.

Like everything else, men, talk is cheap. And if you don’t actually follow up your attraction with action – in a reasonable enough time span – your words are going to start looking like the jewelry at Forever 21 – kind of cute when you first see it, but after a while it just starts to remind you of all the people you can’t stand.

That wasn’t a super great analogy. I guess what I’m trying to say is: The jewelry at Forever 21 is fucking junk.

So how do you close? There are many, many ways that you can do this, gentleman. Let’s set up the scenario:

You like a girl. You think that she might like you (and if you think that she “might” like you, then chances are that she really, really likes you, since you guys aren’t the awesomest with subtle hints and so she’s probably been laying it on suuuuuper thick this whole time and you only now just caught on). You’re in the same room together. You might even be talking to each other. There are a variety of options for this particular moment.*

You can:

1. Ask her if she likes Chinese food. Mention that you like Chinese food. Suffer through a really long pause where she stares at you and nods her head, and then say, really really fast, “MaybesometimeweshouldgogetChinesefoodtogetherIknowareallygreatplaceIcouldtakeyouto.” Hold your breath until she says yes, and then exhale slowly.

2. Ask her about herself. Act like you’re listening…better yet, actually listen. Then, tell her that you think she’s really interesting and you’d like to get to know her better…like, say, over coffee this Saturday afternoon.

3. Slam down your beer, turn to her, and ask, “Can we fucking start holding hands yet or WHAT?!”

4. Ask her for her number. Use it a couple hours later to text/call her that it was nice to see her tonight and that you’d love it if you could see her again soon. (Caution: Asking for her number and then just telling her it was nice to see her tonight is not closing. That’s flirting. Super sweet flirting, but you have to follow it up with concrete action for it to be considered closing. You may think this goes without saying. It does not.)

5. Completely ignore her. Don’t even look at her. No eye contact, do not even acknowledge anything she says. Then, the moment she gets up from the table, throw her a meaningful look and say, “I had a really great time hanging out with you tonight. We should do it again sometime.”

6. Chat her up for a few hours. Get her into a really long, involved conversation, to the point where she’s ignoring her friends so she can talk to you. Then, after you’ve spent almost all night talking to her, sigh, say, “Well, see ya around” and then hit her on the arm as you walk away.

7. Ask her if she’d like to get some air. Take her out on the deck/patio/sidewalk/behind the building and just go in for the kill. Kiss her. Just like that, right there, right then.

8. Ask her if she likes boats. When she nods, tell her you have a boat. Wait for her to ask you if you’ll take her out on it. When she doesn’t, repeat to her again that you have a boat. (Also see: Motorcycles)

9. Tell her about your favorite hobby. When she smiles and says that she’s always wanted to try/learn how/practice that particular hobby, ask her if she wants to tag along with you next time.

GOD. SEE HOW EASY THIS SHIT IS? SHE PROBABLY HAS ABSOLUTELY NO GENUINE INTEREST IN YOUR DUMB FUCKING HOBBY, BUT SHE’S STILL BEING ENTHUSIASTIC AND SWEET ABOUT IT. THAT’S HER ESSENTIALLY SAYING, “I DON’T KNOW HOW MUCH EASIER I COULD POSSIBLY MAKE THIS FOR YOU, SO ASK ME OUT NOW, JACKASS, OR I WILL BE WRITING YOU OFF FOREVER FOR BEING A MORON WHO CAN’T INITIATE ANYTHING WHICH ALSO MEANS THAT YOU PROBABLY WILL NEVER INITIATE SEX, EITHER, WHICH MEANS THAT I’M GOING TO HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING AROUND HERE AND I AM TOO FUCKING OLD TO KEEP DOING THAT ANYMORE!”

The point is, guys, that when you think about it, she could walk out of that room and be hit by a bus or something, and then she’ll always be the girl you were going to ask out before she died and stuff. That’s a drag, right? Or, more realistically, she’ll walk out of that room and get asked out by some other guy, and she’ll be so excited that someone is actually asking her out that she’ll say yes even if he’s a douchebag, and he’ll be so happy that she actually gave him a chance that he’ll do everything in his power to make sure that she stays completely off the market for the rest of your natural born life. And then all those things that keep running through your head every time you see her? You’ll never get a chance to do them.

At least when you make a point to close, you have a chance. So close it. Whether you actually want to date this girl or just want to make out with her, close it. Ask her out on an actual date. Set up the scenario to get her alone so you can finally kiss her. The longer you wait, the less she’ll want to. Even if you like the thrill of the chase and the excitement of the flirt-fest, you should still always be taking one step closer to closing, every single time.

And yes, I know most of you movie nerds have probably been bouncing around this entire post, dying for me to mention this scene. Because the ABC’s are true, in sales or in life. It’s fuck or walk. You close or you hit the bricks.

*See if you can distinguish the good ideas from the bad ones. Bonus points: See if you can select the ones that actually happened to me (hint: All of them).